i'm gonna jump straight up, kick a hole in the moon

I got a call from my mom at work today. Auntie Karen died this morning.

It's weird, typing that. It hasn't settled in with me. She's been sick for so long and we've been expecting her to die for so long that the idea of it actually being over kind of blows my mind. She lived years and years longer than anyone thought she would, and survived cancer. I know that she wanted to die, I know she was ready to stop being sick. I know for a fact that she never, ever, ever wanted to be stuck in an assisted living facility or a nursing home or a hospital. She stayed in her apartment, she lived as independently as she could. Mom drove her everywhere and ran her errands. I did her groceries from time to time. She needed help, maybe more than she wanted to have, but she still lived on her own.

Mom said it was peaceful. She was there with her. She seems okay about all this, and she's making all the plans and it's keeping her busy. I feel so bad for her. This is like her... job. Other people get sick and die and she picks up the pieces because no one else can. I was too scared to go to the hospital last night and see her. Death scares me. A lot. It's only been like that for the last couple of years and I'm trying to find different ways of coping with the idea of the people I love dying, of eventually dying myself. I'm struggling. The whole thing with Karen is freaking me out because of the phobia. I know in my heart that this is what she wanted and this is right for her. She's not suffering and she never lost her dignity.

It's funny. Karen was always kind of eccentric and wacky, particularly when her oxygen was on too high. She drove me nuts, I bitched about doing her groceries. My only real memories of her are of her being sick, or of her house being uncontrollably dirty. I never knew Karen as a young woman but she was beautiful and vibrant. She was bitter over her divorce but collected ridiculous amounts of alimony from her ex-husband, she didn't want to give up smoking despite emphysema, and she flaunted doctors' orders about her diet due to her sickness and diabetes. (She broke the rules and I have to wonder if that contributed to her death in some small way. In the end, it never really mattered. She wouldn't have lived long and she lived longer than everyone thought she would.) She was super Christian and a little bit racist and overly flustered about anything that didn't fit in with her world view... and for years, mom and I laughed about the day when she found out I was a lesbian, because it would probably cause a heart attack and make her hate me.

You know what? A couple months ago she found out about my girlfriend moving into my new apartment with me. She asked if I was happy and... didn't mind.

I never gave her enough credit.



Funeral's on Friday and I'm supposed to sing. I just hope I can do it without a panic attack or sobbing. Her daughter Annie is the only relative we have around here anymore. When we had Christmas or Thanksgiving, Karen was the only person who ever came over to our house----until last year, when she was too sick to manage it or didn't feel presentable. I feel lonely. I feel bad I took her for granted. I feel like my family is going to keep suffering until we all die off. My dad's kidneys are shot, his sister's got MS so severe she can barely walk. There are so few of us who actually keep in touch and I feel like we're so fragile.

Jen's being really good to me though all of this. I love her. I don't know what I'd do without her right now.

Word is now that this is now a waiting game. Karen isn't going to bounce back from this, and her lungs have pretty much shut down. She's awake, sort of, and has said in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want any extraordinary measures taken to save her life. Mom's there with Annie, Karen's daughter, and they're waiting. This is most likely the end of a long, long illness. She's tired and just wants it to be over with.

Quick before I go to work again.

My aunt is in the hospital again, and this time it's serious. My mom's sister has emphysema and despite that disease, is a breast cancer survivor. She's been on oxygen and housebound for months now, and we've been talking about assisted living. She went into the hospital yesterday, and she's suffering from respiratory failure. She's been on a breathing machine all night and as of now, she isn't getting better.

Mom's with her. It's not like any of this is a surprise, really. The doctors gave her five years to live ten years ago, BEFORE the cancer, and I'm pretty sure she's going to pull through this, too. We've always joked that if anyone can survive the apocalypse, it's Karen.

It's just killing me that mom has to go through this. She watched her mom die of the same disease before I was born. She's always the one to handle the medical crises. She watched her mom die, watched her dad die (and dealt with his hospital experience)... she handled my dad while he was in for his kidney failure, and she's been dealing with her big sister through all the hospital visits and the chemotherapy and the mastectomy, etc.

It's a waiting game now. I only got to talk to mom for a few short seconds. I'm going to try and bring her dinner tonight and sit with her for a while. That's really all I can do.

It's now 2 AM and we've showered and cleaned up. Unfortunately it looks like our bedspread is done for; it was still damp from the laundromat and flea dust got on it from the cats. Those red spots probably won't come out. We also put it in with our bath mat and it's covered in blue lint that won't come off. We'll have to get a new bedspread soon. For now, we're using a spare while this one, hopefully, becomes a temporary catbed.

We've used a lot of stuff and I'm feeling a little lightheaded from the flea spray, then the air freshener, then the cleaning products... all of it lovingly nontoxic but you know what? Still smells and can make you woozy.

We gave the kittens another checkup. The fleas are goin' nuts on their heads. We put some of the on-the-cat flea spray on a cotton ball and gently dabbed it on... the fleas all scattered and scrambled (like a horror movie) and then I plucked them up with tweezers and dipped them into a bowl of water and alcohol. The kitties were very, very, very brave through all of this. We didn't get all (most) of the fleas but I think they'll be quite dead soon. Then we'll comb 'em, give them a little cleansy bath, and send them on their flea-free way.

The flea dust is so disgusting. So disgusting.

So we thought the cats had a case of acne.

GUESS WHAT! They don't.

We've been treating them for cat acne for a few days, bathing them and keeping them clean so oil doesn't clog them up. They've been pretty good about baths for the most part. I thought Misha would so be over her bathtub-curiosity thing because of it, but that's not the case. Nooo, no. Today I was taking a bath and she was crawling around the edge of the tub, pawing the water, sniffing it, occasionally getting a little up her nose and sneezing. Then I notice little bugs crawling on her face and it aaaaaaall becomes clear.

The itching, the little bumps, the blood spots and unusual stains (more blood) left around the place, the black and pink dust left all over the apartment. For weeks I've been wondering just what the fuck the dust was. Only recently, from wiping the cats down, did I figure out it was FROM the cats. Turns out, the cats have fleas. All three of them have fleas. The black and red stuff is flea dust. Flea eggs and excreted digested blood. Oh, yeah. These little fuckers got on my babies.

AND? They got on me. I have flea-bites all over my feet and ankles. (And they itch like fuck, by the way.)

Let me tell you: nobody, not nobody, messes with my babies. Nobody messes with my home, my girl, my babies, or me. So fleas? Don't stand a chance.

SO! Arming ourselves with a wealth of internet-garnered knowledge, we set forth to Petco for supplies. Gathering our weaponry, we then returned home. The kittens were then bathed. Normally the kittens are pretty decent about baths, and they were decent this time... until the flea shampoo started to take effect. We had to shampoo them and then let it sit. However, the fleas started moving up to their faces and started biting. The cats freaked out. Misha had a bloody sore on her neck, making her white fur pink and dripping blood in the water. She tried to climb up the shower curtain. Spock climbed up Jen and dug her claws into her shoulder so hard that I had to be called in to extricate her. Much wailing and meowing and very sad wet kitties, but we wrapped them up in towels and once they were a little drier, we gave them their flea collars.

Liza was not bathed. Liza is five years old and if we bathed her, we would probably lose limbs. She doesn't seem to have the same flea infestation as the kittens but she still has bites and her shed fur is full of the flea dust. We sprayed her down with a flea spray (some natural stuff, same as the shampoo, that has a "spice" scent and really does smell like tasty spice cake)... she fussed and whined, but then we combed her and she seemed quite chill. She makes this funny howly sound and we're starting to think it's not because she's upset... even though it seems like annoyed or pained yowling.

We then stripped the apartment of all our bedding and went off to the laundromat, cleaning all our clothes and laundry. Unfortunately Jen's nice Spider-Man shirt has a blood stain from poor Misha that didn't come out :( Following laundry, we returned home, checked the cats. The kittens still have bugs crawling on their faces. We gave them a little of the spray, careful not to get it in their eyes, and then we fed them and quarantined them in the kitchen. I ran to CVS to get kitty litter and air fresheners (unrelated, but old and tiny apartment + 3 cats + 2 people = smelly apartment if the fan doesn't run 24/7) while Jen started the flea carnage. With the cats all barricaded away, Jen then proceeded to use a home flea spray to spritz every soft and cushy item in the apartment to oblivion. When I got back, she was quite high off the fumes and laughing like a maniacal comic book supervillain.

Now, we're sitting on the floor with our computers by the air conditioner, waiting for everything to dry so we can start the vacuum and cleanup process. We have flea dust to scrub up and dead fleas to get out. We're going to quarantine the cats for another day, to keep them in the kitchen without cushy things so their fleas will die and not get into anything. They won't live on much other than the cats but that doesn't mean I want to give them the chance. Once that's dry we're going to scour the place and then scour ourselves so that when we go to bed tonight we can feel confident that flea bites won't follow.

You hurt my babies? Take that, motherfuckers.

So, my summer with the Majestic and Mad Science is nearly over. I'm going to be continuing both jobs in the fall, as long as I have enough money to... I don't know, live. I'm realizing that Jennifer can work a 40-hour minimum-wage job and make more money than me sometimes. Probably most of the time. So it might be time to find a new job, but for now this is what I have. I'm still surviving. But just when I think I have money, the bills all come piling in, then rent, and I have nothing again.

The apartment is a mess, though. Shit piles up really, really fast in this little place, and we don't have a dishwasher, so the sink gets full when we get lazy. Not good.

Gave the kittens a bath yesterday. All things considered they were very good about it and they are much softer and fluffier and cleaner now. They were leaving this really gross flaky residue (which is part of why the apartment looks so gross) and we're working on clearing it up. We think it's from cat acne and how they've been scratching it, 'cause we find little blood spots, too. So far they've seemed a little better.

Working hard, barely at WSYT. I miss it and don't feel like I'm part of it. Tonight is the annual talent show and guess who doesn't get to go because she's working despite saying I couldn't do it today? Oh, me. Yeah. And tomorrow night is the pool party on a day when I thought I had a day off to spend all with Jen. At least Sunday, Jen and I are going to see Camelot at the Goodspeed Opera House and we're going to have a great time. So there.

Frustrated with Mad Science. Called them up because no one had called me regarding my camps next week. Normally people call me to tell me that I have things to pick up, that I have so-many kids in my camp, but I got nothing. I have TWO 3-day camps to teach next week (yeah, work that one out in your head) and that requires a lot of logistics and no one has called me about anything. Granted, I should have called yesterday, maybe, if I hadn't heard from them, but seriously? Ever since Karen left it has totally fallen apart. No one knows how to do ANYTHING there anymore and it's a huge giant clusterfuck. So now I'm all stressed out about it. I should just calm down and wait for a call back. Wait wait wait for a call back. And then call again, and then call Mark's cell, because how much do you want to bet they all decided to take the fucking day off?

Gotta clean the apartment today. It's a mess and starting to stress me out. Clutter in the apartment is like a manifestation of clutter in my brain and while Jen seems able to deal with it, I really am not. And it makes me sound like the cleanliness police but our place is so goddamn TINY that... we really can't afford to keep it messy.

This is real life, this is adult life. I still feel like I'm pretending at it and I'm not very good at it.

Continuing adjusting to life and working my butt off these days. Good morning, it's 7:20 AM and I have to be out of the house at 7:40. Instead of drying my hair I am here writing an update for my journal. I meant to do this last night and so all the important stuff I thought I had kind of flew out the window.

Basically, I'm overworked and overtired but I am trying a new approach. To complain less! To appreciate the busy lifestyle! To realize that this is only fleeting and I have a couple of really cool jobs. I hate waking up early in the morning and I'm not used to it, and when ofthespider doesn't go to bed until late late I feel bad for going to bed so early. But I'm going to try and be less of a bitch, because I've been a bitch. I've been cranky and mean and very, very stressed and I don't like being that kind of person. Mondays and Tuesdays are bad for me, though. They involve working a camp in the morning, then working two Majestic shifts, so essentially I work 7:30AM-10PM. Most of the rest of the time I work camp in the morning, followed by a few hours' break, and then I work the night. Am I making enough? I feel like I'm not. I'm sure I AM. I have to quit worrying and just go with the flow, yanno? Find time to do things and love my girl and make this work. I'm scared I'll fuck it up because I'm too busy being a stressed-out bitch.

I really shouldn't be spending time writing this when I have to get ready in 5 minutes but honestly, I can afford to get there at 8:40 instead of 8:12 which is when I usually get there. I just hope and pray that 91 isn't backed up the way it was yesterday (later in the day). Oh, snap, and I won't get to use the diamond lane. Maybe I should leave at the same time. Damn it.

Tomorrow is going to be a day off - or it ought to be. I might have to sub for another Mad Scientist like I'm doing today, giving up one of my only days to sleep in. The Mad Scientist who is supposed to teach Young Wizards got himself arrested yesterday. Some kind of bureaucratic fuckup regarding a firearm, I think, but he spent the day in jail and no one could reach him. So I'm coming in while he goes and gets his car and ... stuff. I'm kinda pissed about it. I might have to do it tomorrow too but I think if I do I will lose my mind. I need the sleep.

Got removed from marvel_united for inactivity. Sorry, you guys :( I was going to have to leave, anyway. I'm overworked and overtired. I can handle it - or I WOULD handle it, if I got more sleep. And it's not a matter of going to bed earlier, it's that I need to sleep later. No matter what time I go to bed, I have a real problem waking up at 6. You can get me up at 7:30 and I'm great, but 6? No. The problem (the HUGE problem) is that I have to leave the house at 7:30 all ready to go, and I'm motherfucking exhausted, and I have an hour's commute to Winding Trails. I'm terrified of falling asleep on the road because THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

Had more stuff about Mad Science and working at the Majestic but you know what? I'm three minutes off my schedule which means I gotta get up off my ass and dry my hair ... without the A/C on, thanks, or the fuse will blow again.

Work has me a little stressed out. I feel like I'm doing a lot of work for no money. Now, the problem is, I'm STILL not working full time but it feels like I am with the level of work involved in Mad Science. I like what I do, I just don't like lugging kits everywhere.

Today, I did a trick at a birthday party that involves setting an alcohol-soaked dollar bill on fire. The dollar bill doesn't burn because alcohol burns at a lower temperature than paper. And that's great, except for the fact that alcohol fumes also catch fire and lead to other alcohol in the area burning. So, in front of fifteen children and their parents, I proceeded to light a dollar bill on fire, as well as the cup of alcohol and the table around it that had a small alcohol spill. This almost got really, really, really bad. Fortunately a few squirts of water put it out.

Not as bad as the time Eric shot off the piezo popper and it lit the curtains of the Adventure Lab on fire.

Pretty sure I gave myself a little bleach burn on my hand. Hands are also bright yellow from fluorescein. I have a major headache and I'm not sure if it's from inhalation of chemicals or because I haven't gotten to have a decent night's sleep in a week. Not only have I had to get up at the buttcrack of dawn (I am not used to this; I never work any earlier than 10 AM) but Spock likes to jump on me RELENTLESSLY every morning while I'm trying to get my last couple hours of rest.

On my day off from Mad Science I'm working at the Majestic... then it's another week of camps, box office, and WSYT. I feel like I'm never home to be with my girlfriend. My next day off is the 25th... my last day off was the 5th. Twenty days without a day off. Various levels of work on these days but still not a day off.

ofthespider looks very pretty right now.

So here I am, livin' in Westside with ofthespider, a cat, and two kittens. Things aren't perfect, the place isn't necessarily as well-designed as I would have hoped, but considering our budget I'd say it's a pretty nice little place to live. Not staying as clean as I'd like but it's really not so bad. It can't look perfect all the time! It took a bit to adjust but now I really feel like I live here. Jen and I get on all right :)

Working a lot to try and keep up enough money to pay bills and have a little left over for other things. I just went for a week without work and now I'm back into full swing. Making money and watch it go away, but I feel good that I'm largely supporting myself. Largely. Not entirely. I'm not quite ready to pay for everything myself yet. Gas still goes on the card my parents pay. Gas and some other apartment things that are mother-approved. Unexpected emergencies, etc.

Blahblahblah, what do y'all care! You want pictures of kitties! Posted on Facebook.

Album 1 || Album 2

I've been cast in Almost, Maine at the Majestic Theater. Rehearsals start in December, show runs January 7-February 14. Paycheeeeck! This time the cast has only four people, playing nineteen different roles. I don't think the excitement's really hit me yet. I don't really know the play. I read for it, I know the premise, and I think it'll be really awesome. :D Intimidated, though. Reeeeeally intimidated. Haaah.

I might audition for The Full Monty with the Opera House Players because a lot of my friends are going out for it, but I've done the show before and I don't know if doing it with OHP will ... sour my Majestic experience, because it's back to community theatre. OHP is really, really hit or miss, but the friends I have going out for it are all exceptional actors and good friends, and I'd love to work with them again.

Got my bed moved over today... mattress is coming tomorrow. Tomorrow I need to do the errands I've been stalling on, instead of being a pussy about it. Once my mattress is here, then I can go and get closet organizers, another DVD rack, and other things... I want to be living there semi-comfortably once ofthespider arrives on Friday. Wow. Time is going by really, really, really fast.

I've also been getting Jen's journal name wrong for weeks. Wow. I keep thinking it's the same as her Twitter.

I'm on my way to moving into the apartment that I'll be sharing with ofthespider. It's slow going. Part of it is that I'm lazy and overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I need to do. The other part is that I have no furniture and nowhere to PUT the things I'm moving. I also ... don't have a bed. Bed is being delivered on Saturday. Hopefully once that's done I can make some headway into all of this and actually make it livable. The bathroom is ready except for actual toiletries, the kitchen is ready save for actual food. I spent a couple hours building a desk yesterday, and now I need to bring my desk chair and computer over.

That's the other issue: I kind of need to work around my mom's schedule for this because she's the one with the SUV that can actually transport stuff. I can't bring much in my car, which is already full of Mad Science stuff. Bookcases need to be brought over.

The main things that I need to get: living room seating (!!) ... everything else kind of falls by the wayside. XD We're hoping for a loveseat and chair but if we can start off just with a loveseat that would be just fine. We also need a dining room table and chairs... there's a set that's really nice that I'd like to get, that's smaller than the set that my parents are going to give us - smaller and nicer. While getting something for free is awesome, getting something that physically fits in the apartment might be better. Heh.

And it was not fun. Just a rundown of the fuckups:

• Go to office to get rocket launch kit because I'd checked my first party's sheet - rocket launch. Shit, no kit was given to me. I woke Mark up (he was groggy after a very heavy night of drinking, apparently), he shows up late, putzes around when I have to make a half-hour drive to Amherst from Northampton. They're a lot further apart than you think they are, by the way. Mark doesn't supply me with igniter plugs that hold the igniters in the engine. I don't realize this. He also has no rockets to give me. That's ok, I say! I have one in my car! And I do.

• Harried, I put an address into my Garmin and go to that address. Unfortunately, it's the wrong address. Right road, but sent me totally the wrong direction. I put 15 instead of 158. I pull into 15 and it's deserted. Check packet in trunk, turn around.

• Arrive at 10:54 for an 11 show. I was supposed to be there at 10:30. Apologize profusely, set up as fast as I can. In setting up I think some things are missing. I don't have time to get acquainted with my kit or really practice with anything.

• Try to do party. Seltzer doesn't go spraying around when you WANT it to. Party D involves lots of water events. You can't do scientific experiments with supersoakers. Sorry. Kids don't care. Birthday girl doesn't want to get wet. Birthday girl can't stop freaking out about bugs. Birthday girl is terrified of balloons, it turns out. Couldn't do any balloon things including the super-explosion finale. Because I had to cut that short, I took the balloon off of the flask filling with hydrogen gas. Reaction went nuts, got super hot. Inhaled some when moving it. Not fun.. Rocket launch goes really well, only saving grace to party. Did it twice, but we only had one engine plug. Used a piece of chewing gum for second plug. We make slime instead of "floam" (slime with styrofoam beads in it) because of time constraints. Can't find lids, kids have to go home without lids.


• Finish party at 12:45. Go as fast as I can to second party, arrive ten minutes late thanks to Northampton traffic. Kids are wild outside. Mom keeps mentioning rocket launch. I assume she means nasty air rocket thing, I tell her it's not working.

• Again, you can't give a scientific lesson based around supersoakers. Kids also don't want to sit still on a hot summer day. Kids are restless, whiny, pushy, shovy. Birthday boy doesn't want to volunteer for anything, is very shy. Bratty kids take over. Kids who like to touch things on my table, which is the biggest Mad Science no-no. Have to keep letting them run around wild between things to let them blow off steam.

• Party goes slightly better but sliced my finger open on seltzer can. Get to do hydrogen explosion and floam. Mom asks about rocket again. I say the kids are restless.

• Party's over, mom mentions rocket launch. I realize then she ALSO had a rocket add-on. I no longer have a rocket, engines, or anything like that, and I am STUNNED at my massive fucking mistake. I didn't know that BOTH parties had rocket launches. The rarity of both parties having the same add-on... ugh. Deduct price of rocket launch from the cost, and I'm just waiting for how much I'm gonna be chewed out for this.

• Spent half an hour in a panic that I'd poisoned myself after unthinkingly drinking a sip of water that I'd used to rinse out my aluminum/sodium hydroxide flask.

So my exhaustion and a bad morning really fucked things up today. I just have to hope the show goes well.

I will be really happy if I never hear these phrases from children ever again:

"When are we gonna do Mad Science?"
"What are we getting to take home?"
"Can we go play now?"
"She's not sharing!"
"(cutting in line) Can you blow up my balloon now?"
"He won't let me use it! He's hogging it!"
"When are we gonna have fun?"

When ARE we, little man. When indeed.

I gotta make it through today somehow.

I'm sick. I have two birthday parties to do today -- a party I've never done before, which is hard and nerve-wracking enough. One of them requires a rocket launch add-on and in my haste to grab the kits thanks to my insane schedule, I didn't realize that the rocket launch kit wasn't there. So this morning, I had to wake up my boss (I feel so bad) and now I have to make an extra stop in Northampton on my way to Amherst to go get this kit. I'm just glad I caught it... I also hope to god I have enough pop rocks to make it through two parties. I'd better. I need to learn that even though I like our equipment manager, he's got a lot of other stuff on his plate right now and he's also new which means mistakes are often made. He wasn't there yesterday when I went to pick things up. There was really NO ONE there, and... whatever. I'm making excuses. I should have checked my fucking equipment.

Tonight's the last performance of John and Paul and I'm not sure how I feel. On one hand I'm really upset that it's over, but on the other hand I want my life back. It's fucking up Mad Science and stressing me out. I feel like the show's already over, anyway, and the extension's just... tagging on. Keith is gone and so our director's in his place, and he's not really an actor.. It's hard. I appreciate the effort but it's not the same. And our audiences have been lackluster, too. So I just wanna get it over with at this point and this wasn't the attitude I wanted to have about it. For me, our real last performance was on Sunday the 24th and these are just minor encores. I'd say I wish we hadn't extended but I'm glad we did... 'cause I got paid for it :) and because now I'll be happy it's over instead of miserable. I guess. This was a hugely important experience for me.

Right now I just want this day to be over. I'm so scared I'm ready to throw up. I can do this. I can do this. I swear. I wish I'd had some time to test out some experiments or try them during, I dunno, TRAINING - that rushed training we had where I learned NOTHING. x.x But I'm just going to ramble on - I am gonna stop and I'm gonna go get ready to do battle today.

Oh, lordy.

Wed May 27

9:30am – 10:30am WS (Edward White)
10:40am – 11:40am WS (Edward White)
12pm – 1pm Dry Icecapades Pickup
3pm – 4pm AP Sys2 (Chapin)

Thu May 28

9am – 10am WS (Edward White)
10:15am – 11:15am WS (Edward White)
12:15pm – 1:15pm WS (Edward White)
2:45pm – 3:45pm AP Sys2 (St Joan/St George)
7:30pm – 10:30pm John & Paul (Extension) - Majestic Theater

Fri May 29

10am – 2pm Box Office - Majestic Theater
2:45pm – 3:45pm AP NASA (St. Gabriel)
8pm – 11pm John & Paul (Extension) - Majestic Theater

Sat May 30

11am – 12pm BP D - Amherst, MA
1:45pm – 2:45pm BP D - Easthampton, MA
8pm – 11pm John & Paul (Extension) - Majestic Theater

Sun May 31

12pm – 2pm Headshots (Pat Haynes)

Mon Jun 1

Ludington Court Lease STARTS
7pm – 8pm Staff Meeting - Uno Chicago Grill, Boston Road, Springfield, MA


I guess the benefit to this is that I'll be grateful for my show ending instead of miserable. I'm gonna have a hard time adjusting. Three shows left. x.x Today and tomorrow are going to be completely insane, but at least today I don't have a show. If I'm not completely burnt out from Mad Science I shall be making cookies tonight. *_*

I'm tough! I can do this! Things will get better after this. Still busy with work, and then WSYT starts, but it should be easier. I'm getting more hours at the Majestic than I thought I would at this point. YAY MONEY. This is gonna be a damn good week for money *_*

Gotta go hop in the shower and be outta here by 8:30, which is better than last night where I thought I had to leave at 7:30. Still, getting me to go somewhere for 8:30 is like asking a normal person to get up at 4 AM. I guess that'll change when I do 9A-12P camps during the summer and a lot of these workshop-type things.

Also, haha. Not looking forward to doing All About Animals today. That was the first kit I ever taught, had a bad experience with the kids, and I never got the opportunity to teach it again. o.o So I taught it once. In September 2007. Hahahaha. However, I do believe I've devised a new project for the kids that's not in the manual that I'd like them to do. Instead of JUST talking about animal adaptations, I'm gonna give them a blank sheet of paper and divide them into teams, and give them a list of criteria... and then they have to invent an animal that can survive in that environment. I like that. Now I gotta go write some criteria...

I'm feeling pretty encouraged at the moment. I've gotten a lot of new jobs with Mad Science, and I just had my first experience working the box office at the Majestic -- just kinda got thrown on in there because they're short-staffed with Marie on vacation. It gave me some traumatic flashbacks to working at the bank. What I keep forgetting is that I used to work the box office at the Okoboji Summer Theatre while I was doing summer stock there. There, we had no computer systems, and we had to do everything by hand. It was ridiculous. If I can do that, I can do this, no problem. I kind of like doing office work, honestly. It's organized and I can be anal retentive.

My class today was a little nuts. I was given the wrong take-home project for the class I was teaching, which had NOTHING to do with the lesson... so I decided to just build the take-home in class. It took the entire time, so ... forget about the lesson! Heh. Little kids are such a pain when it comes to crafts, but when they're done they're always so proud.

In other news, I practically live at Panera. All of this running around and I only have an hour here, two hours there... so I seek out the nearest Panera, grab a bite, and play on the laptop for a while. Sometimes I play on the laptop for way too long. XD like now. I don't have to leave for, like, an -hour- and I've already been here an hour and my food's all gone. I probably should have gone home this time around. Heh. But with a Panera 5 minutes from the theater, it's hard to find a reason to go all the way home when I'm just gonna come back.

I'm in Devon's vocal studio recital tomorrow. I'm singing in Italian. I gotta use the music 'cause otherwise I'll blow it. -snort- I better not suck.

Getting twitchy about moving. I can't wait. I mean, I'm apprehensive, but I really am looking forward to the change of space. And I miss ofthespider being here with me.

ofthespider and I are getting an apartment in June. We've made the deposit and we're set to move in. We have support from our parents when it comes to finances. The problem is, I'm realizing just how bad my finances actually are. My job with Mad Science has me making next to nothing. My job at the Majestic, which I THOUGHT would be full-time, is now only a few evenings a week and "whenever I need to fill in." I'll take it, because I need it. Acting and photography gigs make some extra money, a couple hundred here or there. With regular work I'll have enough money to make rent/utilities. But then it's a matter of factoring in other costs: groceries, internet, gas. The credit card bills that I already have. Insurance.

( continuing on... )

I just... I'm scared. I'm trying to be optimistic, I want to be optimistic, and I think that ofthespider and I can make it work. I'm not worried about living with her or whether we'll get along or what. I'm worried about money and money only. How to pay this and that, how to gain my independence. I feel guilty for still needing support and even embarrassed to type this in my journal. I just don't know how this is going to pan out.

But there's one thing I DO know. When I was newly eighteen, I couldn't go into a grocery store by myself to buy milk. I'd never held a job, I never ran my own errands. I'd never paid a bill, I'd never done anything without my mother's help. I chose to go to college 1200 miles away from home. I told my mother I couldn't go to a nearby school. That if I didn't jump off the deep end, I'd never get in the pool at all. So I went to college in Missouri. I relied on my two best friends, older and wiser, to make decisions for me. I learned from mistakes, I deferred to their judgment, which wasn't always something I agreed with. I learned from it. Thanks to my current job, I have more experience and confidence than I've ever had before. I'm starting anew, with a new apartment and a loving girlfriend who's always the first one to tell me to stop being a wuss and suck it up.

I have to jump off into the deep end. I never act unless I'm faced with necessity. If our financial situation is bleak, then I'll get a new job. If it works out, it works out. This is how it has to go. If I don't leave, I'm never going to save up enough; I'm never going to be proactive enough. I had two and a half years at home doing nothing. Procrastinating. I just have to do it.

Despite the tone of this entry, I feel better. Suck it up, stop being a wuss, get over it. I'm lucky. If I fall on my face I have a support network. I have the luxury of someone helping me back up. I may be behind, but I'm gonna be okay.

Our lighting designer took these pictures at dress rehearsal. Pictures of me in John & Paul.